It's been a little over a year since my separation. The whirlwind of my life has taken a short break so I can breath and reflect on this past year. I'm not sure why I am making this a public post but I feel like I should.
Growing up I only really ever had one ambition. It was not to go on a mission like many of my LDS peers. Nor was it to get a career and make a lot of money. It was to be like my a dad and be the best husband and father I possibly could be. Into my marriage this continued to be my ambition. Despite this desire I made plenty of mistakes. Even considering my mistakes I fancied myself fairly in touch with my this goal, I was constantly making efforts to improve myself. There were problems that I felt were inescapable I would beat myself up about. So as one might imagine when the separation occurred my universe was shattered my identity was made obsolete. There were things I hated about myself, but I never fancied myself a bad husband. Whatever the reality was it was evident to me that the most important person in my life did not think so. This new understanding was more devastating than the rejection, more painful than faith crisis, and more resonating than any education. It overwhelmed everything that I ever thought I knew about myself. I felt like a husk, a shell, a hypocrite, and a lie. This feeling hasn't entirely gone away. It continues to haunt me. But I did find the will to move forward. And with that will I found faith. With that faith I found love.
This is not a story about a broken man, not one to place blame, not a tale of endings; But of understanding, hope, and new beginnings.
The day my world ended I found a glimmer of light. I no longer had anything to lose. The pain of the problem had become greater than the pain of the solution. I was determined to defeat my demons and discover the truth about my religion. I was going to become the person that I always wanted to be. Months passed with both struggle and success. I woke from nightmares, lived in a constant state of depression and denial. At times anxiety and fear would overwhelm me. I made mistakes. But I also found support, people surrounded me in their arms. My friends and family flocked to my aid. They listened to me for tedious hours that turned into days of me trying to understand what went wrong. People in my ward, comprising mostly of people I hardly knew due to former inactivity surrounded me with love and strength that I did not believe I deserved. I found brotherhood attending group meetings. And one morning in mid October I found God. While deep in prayer in a state of overwhelming depression I felt a love overwhelm me beyond anything I had ever experienced. I lost all control, I collapsed in a weeping fit of gratitude. This was incredible to me for many reasons. I had spent my entire life up until this point sitting on the fence about the church. I had times of activity and inactivity, I had faith crisis quenching even the smallest flames of belief. I spent decades in the thralls of addiction to pornography that made me believe that I was never worthy to know God. On that morning I knew I was wrong. He had always loved me and always would. He loved me and equally as strange I felt that he loved the woman who was going to soon be my ex wife. To this day I do not entirely understand why this was communicated to me but I know that His love for her is as powerful as His love for me.
This event propelled me forward for a time. But I learned as many members do that testimony alone does not make me into what Heavenly Father has meant for me. Since then I have made mistakes some of which I felt would haunt me for the rest of my life. I have gained a tiny fraction of understanding in regards to the immense power of the sacrifice that my Savior made for me. I have felt healing, forgiveness, and liberation from things that I never thought I would.
This brings me to today. I still fight anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I still find myself disconnecting from reality to indulge in addiction to escape pain and often this leads to an increased measure of shame and self loathing. And yet I have begun to feel liberated from who I was and see hope in who I can become. I have graduated, gotten a job, I rock climb, I get to continue to be a parent, and I have hope and faith in Jesus Christ.
While being a single parent is difficult I have been given divine aid, help from all sides, and three amazing children who inspire me everyday to be better.
Even the part of me that hurts the most. The piece that has the most difficulty believing. Despite my history, despite my weaknesses, in the face of everything that I sometimes believe about myself. I am worth loving. I can become the husband that I always wanted to be. And I can find someone who will see me as that person.
With that said. YOU are worth loving. Whatever you believe about yourself. Whether or not you believe in God. Whether or not the people surrounding you believe it. You are worth loving. Yes, I, and you have a lot to improve on. And we will constantly fall short of our own expectations and the expectations of others but that does not make you any less worthwhile. Perhaps right now you feel like an empty husk, a shell of what you want to be. Don't let that beat you because if you get through it you will be stronger and better for it.
