From Lines to Trenches

Something has been weighing on my mind lately. I have been watching from the sidelines while my friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances, and strangers whose voices I hear–tear each other apart with words. With acid, hate, fear, and anger they cry injustice. They cry out for need of help. But this whimper is underlaid by a razor whip that is shaming. It hurts to be called out in any way for a crime we did not feel like we committed. The feeling of being marginalized for no reason at all is crushing. The anger and hate we receive from those we never met stings. And the contempt we feel from those we love sears. This world is on fire. Both literally and figuratively. Never could I have imagined a world where hate takes the center stage and shame is used as a weapon used to dethrone kings and crush pawns. It breaks my heart, because behind that sword of shame that is used to cut me down I can hear the plea for help. 

Growing up in a very religious region where obedience had almost climaxed to pharisaical proportions I began to hear lash back from the younger generation. They cried out about how members of their congregation were so judgmental. With some, the pain and resentment from being wounded by those who claimed to be righteous grew so intense that they fought against it with all their might. 

Having always skirted the lines drawn in the sand by those around me, the irony did not escape me. Those who hated being judged began to judge the judgers without realizing it. Then their former friends and neighbors would act likewise towards them. To be treated so unjustly is not fair. Greater alliances of us versus them began to rise and the lines began to grow deeper and thicker. So deep and thick that I now find myself in a deep trench where it is dark and I am unheard. Yet, I must speak. 

Shame has always been a part of our society. I feel like it is ingrained into the human race. To feel shame is to say that, "I am a bad person." Rather than, "I did a bad thing." To throw shame is to say, "you are a bad person." instead of, "you did a bad thing." To be told this over and over again by someone is damaging, it is hurtful, and it almost always causes ones quarry to either fight or flight. 

Recently, this shame calling has been rising in volume. It is beginning to permeate every facet of society, especially politics. I cannot say who it started with, but the retaliations continue to elevate and is only amplified by the recent advent and popularity of social media. 

"But if they shamed me, they deserve to be shamed." Or "They did a terrible thing–so it is justice." Deserve, or not deserve. Shame is not the same thing as justice. Shame is a weapon that is volatile, without mercy, without justice, it is not a tool, only a weapon of a destruction that is mutually assured. Unfortunately, the megaphone of shame is the only medium in which we feel ourselves heard anymore. So we use it to send out our message. Yes, we are heard, but only those who already agree with us listen; and it widens the fissures that divide us. 

Unfortunately, we cannot fight shame with shame. The only thing we can fight it with is compassion. Which in reality, is like whispering in a room where people are screaming. So, do we destroy the world to prove that we were right? Or do we do what is right despite the fact that we will likely be unheard and unnoticed in a world that is burning around us? 

I, for one, choose compassion. 

With this soapbox it might help to break down what I mean. 

1. Compassion is not reserved, we must do our best to give it to all. Friend and foe alike. From the kindest person we know to the person who has generated the greatest atrocities. 
2. Compassion does not mean there can be no justice. If a crime is committed, justice should be pursued. But you can have compassion toward the one who committed the crime. No matter its severity. 
3. Compassion means to hear and listen. Only to speak when solicited. As strange as it may sound. This is when you will be heard. What is even stranger, those who would commit grievous crimes are more likely to not do so when they feel like they can speak freely without being scorned. 
4. Shame is a creator of silence. Not peace. But the inability to speak and hear. Those who throw it cannot hear. Those who feel it cannot speak. It is noise so deafening that the message is lost and those who should hear it, never will. 
5. If compassion is something elusive for you, the best place to start is with the people who have hurt you most. Identify their pain, forgive them, and speak kindly or of hope towards them. This does not mean you have to allow them back into your life. It is someone who is harmful or toxic, continue to keep your distance. 
6. Compassion will often go unheard. It will often only make small differences. But these small differences are ones that will last and may pass from generation to generation.
7. Shame is heard almost everywhere but it creates ill content and is short lived. It will often be treated in like and all parties involved and many innocent people around will suffer. 
8. Compassion leads to peace. Those who give and receive compassion don't often get what they deserve. But they will often feel greater portions of peace. 
9. Think of the great people in history. The ones who have come long before us. Whether they be fact or fiction. Think of why you respect them so much. Most of these people are not violent. They do not persecute others. They do not hate others. They do not throw shame in pursuit of justice. Most of these people not only have great compassion, but often embody it. 
10. Compassion is something you can only choose for yourself. You can ask others, but you have to have patience with them as they choose. It is something only taught by example and can never be forced through shame. 
11. Compassion is hard. It is not easy to always turn the other cheek. But if we want to truly be part of a better world. That is what we must do.
12. Most importantly, have compassion for yourself. It is impossible to have perfect compassion for others. When you begin to shame another, forgive yourself, and change your message. This is a lot easier said than done. 

My final thoughts. While I speak of a world full of division. I have been the benefactor of so much compassion in my life from others. There are so many of these heroes quietly making the world a better place. And to those who are currently shouting from the rooftops, I love you, and I hear you. I hope that the good that you are trying to bring about, does come about, and I hope that you find peace. 

Don't ever forget how hard if feels. How impossible and insurmountable. Hold on to this memory because one day it will feel easy. And when something is easy we might begin to believe it always was and we leave compassion behind. 

Facing my White Guilt

Before I start, I want to make a couple of confessions. For the last couple of years I was mainly getting my news through Facebook. I know, I know, it's a terrible practice. Worse yet, a little more than two weeks ago I decided to kill my news feed, because I kept getting way too sucked in, and ignoring my life. And I didn't even think about getting my news from somewhere else. So I was not even aware of George Floyd or the issues that have been ramping since his death until two days ago when my mom told me.

Furthermore, I am a middle aged white male living in very white Utah, and I can only think of one friend that I have ever had who is of African decent. While I have passively listened to and read some of the dialogue surrounding persecution of black people over the last several years, I was constantly unsure of what to do, paralyzed with fear that I would say or do the wrong thing. I found myself exposed to terms like "micro aggression" and "white privilege" and conversely "backwards racism". I also began to feel a lot of "white guilt". It's such a hot issue that I was afraid that I would alienate someone I loved because of expressing my own personal opinions. Despite this fear and much to my dismay, I feel that I have alienated the one black friend I have ever had. That won't be the last time I hurt someone I care about, but I hope that I can learn from all of this to improve in the future.

Okay, with all my disclaimers of total ignorance out of the way, let's get into my thoughts on how I can hopefully be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

1. Stop being a victim

I think the most common response I have noticed on both sides of the issue is this idea that they are the victim. This is an is something that I am guilty of. But I have noticed, the moment I start feeling like I am being persecuted by someone else's pain. I stop listening. There can be no dialogue if I am more focused on how unfair it is that someone else is telling me that I have hurt them in some way.

2. Actually listen

Nothing is more frustrating or degrading than the feeling that I am not being listened to. When I can tell that the person is simply waiting (or not waiting) for me to finish so they can immediately tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong. I am guilty of this, simply hearing enough to pick out one thing that I can contradict. Not listening is a defensive action that is destructive by nature. You cannot solve a problem in opposition with someone unless you intend to hurt them. And the only way to be collaborative with a person is by listening to them. 

A great way to actually listen is by asking clarifying questions, even potential solutions can be phrased as a question like: "do you think ... could work?"

3. Have Compassion

This one certainly plays into all of the others. But I didn't put it as number one because I feel like having compassion can be difficult at times. Before you can really do so you have to shed your own insecurities and pain for a moment so you can listen and understand their pain. 

Whether or not we agree where the source of their pain is coming from, it is important to note that their pain is real. We must acknowledge it. We must try to understand it and validate that pain to the best of our abilities. Nothing will help ourselves feel less like a victim than understanding another's pain. Nothing can help us actually listen, than having compassion.

Here is a great video by Brene Brown about empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw.

4. Look for the Truth Behind the pain

That pain that you are experiencing and that other's are experiencing are both real. But it may not be coming from where you or they believe. Be introspective. Do research. Look at data. See what is true and what is not. Try and put away your biases as much as you can. If you're like me it might help to go to the https://blacklivesmatter.com/ website and look at the issues and goals listed within and don't forget to follow the first three steps while doing this. 

5. Be specific 

It does not help to throw out blanket accusations. Figure out who can solve the problem, ideally it is yourself, but often there are problems that require the cooperation of others. Once you have figured out who needs to be involved, be specific on how they can help. Part of this process is understanding that the person who you require help from may not agree to help or on how to help. So this will often need to be someone who you already have rapport with. No one responds well to threats, manipulation, or tantrums. So find a way to have a relationship with the person you wish to persuade or help.

6. Have Courage

While it is very important listen and have compassion. It's also important to say what you are thinking, even if you know the person you are speaking with will disagree with you. This is probably my greatest struggle. I don't like rocking the boat. But unspoken thoughts can come out in smaller more hurtful ways that cannot be addressed as easily. At least if you speak your mind, you can reach an understanding. Make sure you are respectful and articulate when expressing your thoughts though. Don't be a jerk. No one listens to jerks.

7. Be Sincere 

If you intend help someone else. Do it for them. If you are trying to help yourself. Do it for you and don't pretend it is for someone else. 

This is a real sore spot for me and to be fair, there is a fine line and sometimes it can be hard to see the difference between pandering and giving someone what little support you can. I will try to stop being so judgy of people who add the little activist tags to their profile picture. Because I guess I can't know your intent when you do that. 

With that said, if you intend capitalize on someone else's pain for power, influence, money, or even personal affectation. Stop. You are part of the problem. 

8. Accept limitations

Not everyone is going to have the time, energy, knowledge, passion, or resources to help solve the problem in any meaningful way. And that includes ourselves. A person can only do what they can and if you're patient, maybe in time, they will be a great addition to your cause.

I wrote this for me, so that maybe I can start being part of the solution to the great cultural divide in our country. Maybe this can help someone else too. I want so very much for a better world to live in, and while I don't necessarily agree with those rioting in the streets, I am grateful that they shouted loud enough for me to hear their cries of pain at the injustice they feel has been happening in our country. I pray that we can find a way together to find the sources of pain of pain that are pitting brothers and sisters against one another and then work together to solve it. 

One year

It's been a little over a year since my separation. The whirlwind of my life has taken a short break so I can breath and reflect on this past year. I'm not sure why I am making this a public post but I feel like I should.

Growing up I only really ever had one ambition. It was not to go on a mission like many of my LDS peers. Nor was it to get a career and make a lot of money. It was to be like my a dad and be the best husband and father I possibly could be. Into my marriage this continued to be my ambition. Despite this desire I made plenty of mistakes. Even considering my mistakes I fancied myself fairly in touch with my this goal, I was constantly making efforts to improve myself. There were problems that I felt were inescapable I would beat myself up about. So as one might imagine when the separation occurred my universe was shattered my identity was made obsolete. There were things I hated about myself, but I never fancied myself a bad husband. Whatever the reality was it was evident to me that the most important person in my life did not think so. This new understanding was more devastating than the rejection, more painful than faith crisis, and more resonating than any education. It overwhelmed everything that I ever thought I knew about myself. I felt like a husk, a shell, a hypocrite, and a lie. This feeling hasn't entirely gone away. It continues to haunt me. But I did find the will to move forward. And with that will I found faith. With that faith I found love.

This is not a story about a broken man, not one to place blame, not a tale of endings; But of understanding, hope, and new beginnings.

The day my world ended I found a glimmer of light. I no longer had anything to lose. The pain of the problem had become greater than the pain of the solution. I was determined to defeat my demons and discover the truth about my religion. I was going to become the person that I always wanted to be. Months passed with both struggle and success. I woke from nightmares, lived in a constant state of depression and denial. At times anxiety and fear would overwhelm me. I made mistakes. But I also found support, people surrounded me in their arms. My friends and family flocked to my aid. They listened to me for tedious hours that turned into days of me trying to understand what went wrong. People in my ward, comprising mostly of people I hardly knew due to former inactivity surrounded me with love and strength that I did not believe I deserved. I found brotherhood attending group meetings. And one morning in mid October I found God. While deep in prayer in a state of overwhelming depression I felt a love overwhelm me beyond anything I had ever experienced. I lost all control, I collapsed in a weeping fit of gratitude. This was incredible to me for many reasons. I had spent my entire life up until this point sitting on the fence about the church. I had times of activity and inactivity, I had faith crisis quenching even the smallest flames of belief. I spent decades in the thralls of addiction to pornography that made me believe that I was never worthy to know God. On that morning I knew I was wrong. He had always loved me and always would. He loved me and equally as strange I felt that he loved the woman who was going to soon be my ex wife. To this day I do not entirely understand why this was communicated to me but I know that His love for her is as powerful as His love for me.

This event propelled me forward for a time. But I learned as many members do that testimony alone does not make me into what Heavenly Father has meant for me. Since then I have made mistakes some of which I felt would haunt me for the rest of my life. I have gained a tiny fraction of understanding in regards to the immense power of the sacrifice that my Savior made for me. I have felt healing, forgiveness, and liberation from things that I never thought I would.

This brings me to today. I still fight anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. I still find myself disconnecting from reality to indulge in addiction to escape pain and often this leads to an increased measure of shame and self loathing. And yet I have begun to feel liberated from who I was and see hope in who I can become. I have graduated, gotten a job, I rock climb, I get to continue to be a parent, and I have hope and faith in Jesus Christ.

While being a single parent is difficult I have been given divine aid, help from all sides, and three amazing children who inspire me everyday to be better.

Even the part of me that hurts the most. The piece that has the most difficulty believing. Despite my history, despite my weaknesses, in the face of everything that I sometimes believe about myself. I am worth loving. I can become the husband that I always wanted to be. And I can find someone who will see me as that person.

With that said. YOU are worth loving. Whatever you believe about yourself. Whether or not you believe in God. Whether or not the people surrounding you believe it. You are worth loving. Yes, I, and you have a lot to improve on. And we will constantly fall short of our own expectations and the expectations of others but that does not make you any less worthwhile. Perhaps right now you feel like an empty husk, a shell of what you want to be. Don't let that beat you because if you get through it you will be stronger and better for it.

This post might get me shot...

Here I am again with my semi regular post on current hot topics, where we get to civily discuss, elaborate, and correct each other on controversial issues. And today's discussion is on.... GUN CONTROL! YAYYYY! This time with helpful indicators to specifically discuss, labeled: (a)-(i).

So I've noticed a trend among conservatives and liberals.

Liberal: we need gun control to stop the spread of violence.
Conservative: I think that is false because:
a)

http://www.dumpaday.com/…/u…/2013/02/making-guns-illegal.jpg
"Making guns illegal will take them off the streets. We should make drugs illegal too!"
b)

http://www.funnymemes.com/…/2…/04/So-if-guns-kill-people.png
"So if guns kill people I guess pencils misspell words, cars drive drunk, and spoons make people fat."
and sometimes
c) The founding fathers made the second amendment to ensure the government does not oppress it's people.
d) area's with higher gun control actually have higher rates of shooting.

now liberals don't seem to want to respond to this so my Facebook feed has become a bit of a broken record of "We need to stop the killing! Stronger control!" and then memes.

Seeing as on my Facebook feed the conservatives have the final say on things I started thinking what the implications of these knee jerk memes meant.

a) If guns were illegal only criminals would have them. First off, that would be true for a short time. But I've noticed a fundamental difference between guns and drugs. Guns and ammunition are a lot more difficult to manufacture in your basement. Also, it would be a lot more difficult for someone to carry guns and ammunition without being noticed. I know people who can point to someone with a gun under their clothes. Granted a person with the intent to kill with guns could merely carry their gun in a bag or their car or whatever. So basically every gun taken off the street would be one gun permanently out of the hands of the criminals, and every bullet fired would be one less bullet that criminals could kill with.

b) That's right, guns don't kill people, but they make it a lot easier for someone to kill. Yes, yes, I know that there are people who have killed ton's of people with knives or bombs or whatever, just like there are people who's grandma's smoke and she's over 100! Gun's in the hands of someone with the intent to kill are going to be a lot more deadly than a knife. And bombs are much harder to come by/ manufacture effectively.

c) There is some truth to this, but it seems to be that in today's weapon climate, a persons guns are going to do them little good against drones, planes, tanks, bombs, etc.

d) This may be true from state to state, but from country to country (where guns are a lot less likely to cross borders) according to this data there seems to be little correlation.
http://www.theguardian.com/…/gun-homicides-ownership-world-… (thanksTraci)
the correlation seems to more with poverty and education than it is to gun ownership.

On the other hand (e) giving our guns up would be 100% putting our trust in the government and government officials. We would have to trust that our government would not attack or oppress their own people. Such as police officers. With this in mind, the only people that would be able to conduct a coup, if that time came, would be the military. Disarming the government at this juncture seems like a catastrophic mistake, cause our enemies certainly aren't going to disarm themselves.

f) There are some instances of good people defending themselves with legally acquired guns preventing a criminal from doing any or further damage.

g) Gun's only account for a small percentage of the total deaths in the united states especially considering how many people own guns.

http://www.factcheck.org/2012/12/gun-rhetoric-vs-gun-facts/

And the last argument I can think of is in favor of gun control

h) It could be argued that suicide, accident, and crime of passion fatalities would go down. If guns were completely banned.

These are a lot of black and white arguments, but there is certainly some gray area that would be more acceptable. Such as:

i) making background checks more accessible, so private citizens can safely conduct gun sales between one another (so long as a persons privacy is not infringed to highly, such as an app that one types their social security number into that shows their picture that simply says "yes" or "no" in it for whether or not they are eligible for gun ownership, eligibility would be determined by mental state and criminal background.)

There are probably more arguments to be made but I think that would do it. I just wanted to try and cover as much of the issue as I could think of. Obviously I have not included everything so please feel free to constructively add, correct, elaborate, or discuss this issue with me. Thanks!

(side note: thanks Jake-Kait for the constructive conversation on this topic!)
also one more link for fun from Traci http://www.theguardian.com/…/mass-shootings-america-gun-vio…