Facing my White Guilt

Before I start, I want to make a couple of confessions. For the last couple of years I was mainly getting my news through Facebook. I know, I know, it's a terrible practice. Worse yet, a little more than two weeks ago I decided to kill my news feed, because I kept getting way too sucked in, and ignoring my life. And I didn't even think about getting my news from somewhere else. So I was not even aware of George Floyd or the issues that have been ramping since his death until two days ago when my mom told me.

Furthermore, I am a middle aged white male living in very white Utah, and I can only think of one friend that I have ever had who is of African decent. While I have passively listened to and read some of the dialogue surrounding persecution of black people over the last several years, I was constantly unsure of what to do, paralyzed with fear that I would say or do the wrong thing. I found myself exposed to terms like "micro aggression" and "white privilege" and conversely "backwards racism". I also began to feel a lot of "white guilt". It's such a hot issue that I was afraid that I would alienate someone I loved because of expressing my own personal opinions. Despite this fear and much to my dismay, I feel that I have alienated the one black friend I have ever had. That won't be the last time I hurt someone I care about, but I hope that I can learn from all of this to improve in the future.

Okay, with all my disclaimers of total ignorance out of the way, let's get into my thoughts on how I can hopefully be part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

1. Stop being a victim

I think the most common response I have noticed on both sides of the issue is this idea that they are the victim. This is an is something that I am guilty of. But I have noticed, the moment I start feeling like I am being persecuted by someone else's pain. I stop listening. There can be no dialogue if I am more focused on how unfair it is that someone else is telling me that I have hurt them in some way.

2. Actually listen

Nothing is more frustrating or degrading than the feeling that I am not being listened to. When I can tell that the person is simply waiting (or not waiting) for me to finish so they can immediately tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong. I am guilty of this, simply hearing enough to pick out one thing that I can contradict. Not listening is a defensive action that is destructive by nature. You cannot solve a problem in opposition with someone unless you intend to hurt them. And the only way to be collaborative with a person is by listening to them. 

A great way to actually listen is by asking clarifying questions, even potential solutions can be phrased as a question like: "do you think ... could work?"

3. Have Compassion

This one certainly plays into all of the others. But I didn't put it as number one because I feel like having compassion can be difficult at times. Before you can really do so you have to shed your own insecurities and pain for a moment so you can listen and understand their pain. 

Whether or not we agree where the source of their pain is coming from, it is important to note that their pain is real. We must acknowledge it. We must try to understand it and validate that pain to the best of our abilities. Nothing will help ourselves feel less like a victim than understanding another's pain. Nothing can help us actually listen, than having compassion.

Here is a great video by Brene Brown about empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw.

4. Look for the Truth Behind the pain

That pain that you are experiencing and that other's are experiencing are both real. But it may not be coming from where you or they believe. Be introspective. Do research. Look at data. See what is true and what is not. Try and put away your biases as much as you can. If you're like me it might help to go to the https://blacklivesmatter.com/ website and look at the issues and goals listed within and don't forget to follow the first three steps while doing this. 

5. Be specific 

It does not help to throw out blanket accusations. Figure out who can solve the problem, ideally it is yourself, but often there are problems that require the cooperation of others. Once you have figured out who needs to be involved, be specific on how they can help. Part of this process is understanding that the person who you require help from may not agree to help or on how to help. So this will often need to be someone who you already have rapport with. No one responds well to threats, manipulation, or tantrums. So find a way to have a relationship with the person you wish to persuade or help.

6. Have Courage

While it is very important listen and have compassion. It's also important to say what you are thinking, even if you know the person you are speaking with will disagree with you. This is probably my greatest struggle. I don't like rocking the boat. But unspoken thoughts can come out in smaller more hurtful ways that cannot be addressed as easily. At least if you speak your mind, you can reach an understanding. Make sure you are respectful and articulate when expressing your thoughts though. Don't be a jerk. No one listens to jerks.

7. Be Sincere 

If you intend help someone else. Do it for them. If you are trying to help yourself. Do it for you and don't pretend it is for someone else. 

This is a real sore spot for me and to be fair, there is a fine line and sometimes it can be hard to see the difference between pandering and giving someone what little support you can. I will try to stop being so judgy of people who add the little activist tags to their profile picture. Because I guess I can't know your intent when you do that. 

With that said, if you intend capitalize on someone else's pain for power, influence, money, or even personal affectation. Stop. You are part of the problem. 

8. Accept limitations

Not everyone is going to have the time, energy, knowledge, passion, or resources to help solve the problem in any meaningful way. And that includes ourselves. A person can only do what they can and if you're patient, maybe in time, they will be a great addition to your cause.

I wrote this for me, so that maybe I can start being part of the solution to the great cultural divide in our country. Maybe this can help someone else too. I want so very much for a better world to live in, and while I don't necessarily agree with those rioting in the streets, I am grateful that they shouted loud enough for me to hear their cries of pain at the injustice they feel has been happening in our country. I pray that we can find a way together to find the sources of pain of pain that are pitting brothers and sisters against one another and then work together to solve it.